Hey hey! Yes, I’m still single over here! How about you all? Can you imagine?! The Lord had me write about my relationship status so that someone could realize this prize before their eyes that fast? Do it Jesus! LOL Alright, I’m done being a fool.
Let’s talk dating. Let’s talk dating as a Christian woman. The church, and I do mean the church as in the people, are huge proponents of purity. There’s not only purity of heart but there’s also sexual purity. This ideology is supported by Scripture. The Bible speaks of sexual immorality, it speaks of works of the flesh, and it speaks of defiling the marriage bed. I am not quoting the verses intentionally because it will turn into a teaching rather than the conversational tone I prefer using.
The context and original language need to be examined when we hear the preacher preaching on Sundays and there are Christians who make the case that the Bible does not explicitly mention to not have sex before marriage therefore it must be okay to do so.
If you’re a Christian and you’re reading this, please study on your own. Being celibate because you think the Bible says it, or your great grandma did it and was married for 50 years or because you think you’re going to hell if you don’t, is not reason enough. Well, the hell one would scare anyone. Are we not done with the scare tactics though?
So here’s the thing, I decided that men should not have access to me as they did in the past. I decided that until I learned who I was (a QUEEN, a CHILD OF GOD, an ANOINTED PRAYER WARRIOR, HIS GOOD THING, a game changer, a WIFE, a HEALER etcera, etcera), that I would abstain from sex. Little did I know this was right in line with God’s plan. I decided to abstain before my God encounter in Dec 2012 therefore, I didn’t do it because of my faith; which is the assumption most people make.
There I am, living my best life without men, learning about the Lord and going to church about four times a week, no lie! I was hungry for more and more of God.
From the outside, all is well. If any close Christian friend of mine asked me about dating, I’d express I was celibate and that my dating life was non-existent. (Um, I can say the same thing now HAHA There is some dating though.)
They’d applaud me, they’d ask me how’s it going? They’d consider me the definition of a “good Christian”.
After five years of learning and unlearning who I really am, of ensuring I am maturing in Christ, after seminary, after finally feeling super single, I decide I am ready to date again. There was alot of prayer before doing so as well.
So here we go, I try online dating. I meet someone. I’m in LA, he’s in NY. Perfecto, there’s just something about a man from New York or the East Coast (Feel free to chuckle here especially if you agree).
We meet in LA, he travels to California for the first time (for me) and the surprise that I was in for was that after all those years of no physical activity, no dating, no proximity to any man in a non-platonic way that is — upon seeing him, I felt like that could change in an instant. Y’all know I’m going to keep it 100.
What the church doesn’t tell you is that while we are repressing natural feelings and desires, all may be well for a season. They don’t tell you that what they mean is not to repress but to resist. There’s a difference. One is denying the feelings that are there altogether and pushing them out at whatever cost. The other is acknowledging that you’re not a demon for feeling attracted to a man, acknowledging what led you down this road and then reminding yourself of your vow to be celibate.
We have to face the music. Just as I faced the music…especially, when we shared our first kiss. A girl was not ready! I did all that I could to push away and end the night. It was a mess, all because I wanted to remain abstinent. My point is, boundaries have to be set, as I said in my last blog but you also must know yourself and your specific desires. Maybe you prefer not to kiss before you’re married? Maybe you prefer no touch? Maybe you’re okay with sleepovers and by okay I mean that you won’t be tempted to break your vow…but you can’t let what the preacher says on Sunday (sometimes a blanket statement) be your why and your application. There are nuances to consider.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t Spirit filled because I did just share that I had spent five years just poring over the Bible and spending mad time in the Lord’s presence. I found that the issue was that I thought Jesus took alladat away. I wonder where I got that silly idea from. The guy was respectful and while he did not share my beliefs, he did respect my stance. We did end up dating for a year, FYI.
We, the church, need to do better at equipping the saints and allowing ourselves to feel. The Word says, “Be angry and sin not.” I say, feel and sin not.
I ain’t Jesus, yes, I am aware.
The Word also says, "And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony,” (Revelation 12:11). So, this is my testimony, take it or leave it but I will share because someone else will experience this very thing listening to the church and their messages on sexual purity.
One day I will share this story before a church. I would love to share a message with the church and let them know beyond seeking to remain pure, they should remember to remain human. We so desperately want to be like Christ, that performance takes over when the key word is in the being.