I am sitting here trying to figure out why I have to write this blog in the first place. Haha! Talking to God like, “You sure?”
Being a single woman without children is such a big deal in society that it’s so irksome, I rather ignore it than feed into the nonsense, ya know? I do know that even when I am dating someone, I’m not the one posting pics with bae.
You didn’t see my boo from 2018 nor my summer boo from last year. There were boo’s, okay; your girl did get some attention from the opposite sex…because yes that does matter to women. However, that does not mean we should get our validation from the opposite sex - everything in its proper place. Nor does it mean, all attention is good attention. Sir, take your cat calling elsewhere.
Also, I don’t think I’ll post pics on social media until husbae proposes because I’m not with the whole taking down photos after a breakup . That’s exhausting!
But that’s just it though, you date and regardless of the length of time, it may not work out. Didn’t Mr. Tennyson say, “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. Why’s that? Because there is still something to be gained.
Some refer to dating as collecting information and while that is true in some way, I’ve collected information and disregarded thee information. Can I get an amen? And this my friends, is how you get GOT! Don’t do it. The one thing I will say is to pay attention to who the person shows you they are, not who they say they are nor who their big ego tells them they are. The behavior will speak for itself, I’ve learned the hard way, hear me on that one.
I remember watching the film, He’s Just Not That Into You, and later analyzing the men I’ve dated. The signs are always there especially when he lacks the maturity to tell you that he’s not ready or doesn’t want anything serious. Well, if he were honest with you, he wouldn’t get what he wanted. This isn’t all men but this is a lot of the men I’ve encountered and I’ve attracted. I play a part in this too! In fact, I am putting it all back on me. I will not outsource my worthiness to man.
Before I share how I got to this space, singledom (the crowd chants, awwww), I’d like to share who I was before I got to this space because it was that girl who was bringing all the boys to the yard. Okurrr! The girl I am referring to is in her 20s, I believe age matters as we’re all in different seasons of life and because whatever nonsense I put up with back then, will not fly in my 30s. Sis is tired of the nonsense. Men, just come correct or don’t come at all. Not many single men are reading this but just in case, there ya go! ;)
The main point about this throwback moment is that I didn’t know who I was therefore whatever came my way, I accepted. I mean, the men weren’t bad per se, they were foine, intelligent, assertive, ambitious, leaders in their own right - all the things I am attracted to but there was just one very small impediment - they didn’t do the whole relationship thing. Mind you, a relationship is what I wanted, that’s all I knew. My longest relationship lasted six years. I wasn’t good at dating around or going on dates for free meals. We all have a friend who did that right? Or maybe you’re the friend (Chuckles).
My EP refers to this girl longing for love and wanting love that she thought having sex and detaching her emotions would fulfill her. She wanted to do what the boys did because they seemed to be good at it. I was that girl and boy, was I wrong but that was a hard lesson to learn and it didn’t come right away. I bumped my head several times before the good Lord got my attention.
Through those experiences I learned that when you go with their flow (your partner, your crush) and have sex and don’t set boundaries nor state your intentions, the power is their hands. Not that this is a power struggle but it is a worthiness struggle. I’m pretty vocal and if you know me you can attest to that however, when it came to relationships back then, I was hopeful and naive.
I believe it was because I was blinded by the idea of being in a relationship and the gushy feelings associated with it. I also believe there are some cultural norms at play here — women are not used to using their voice. They’re not used to being empowered. I was attempting to be empowered through situationships but that’s just not me. I am better served when I vocalize what I want and communicate that with others. Also, I am more than the sum of my body parts. I have much to offer and if someone couldn’t see it, I’d still give them my precious time and investment. Not anymore, boo boo.
There is a level of reflection that we as women need to constantly do before dating. Ask yourself, who am I and what do I want? If it’s a relationship and he just wants sex or he simply just wants to have “fun” - sis, keep it moving. This is where the worthiness part comes in
you are worthy of someone who loves you entirely for all that you are and not what he can get out of you.
Queen, you will survive being single. I was single for five years straight (and abstinent) before 2018 bae came along. What a ride that was when I had to kiss a man again? LOL More on that in my next blog because that season of isolation was by God’s design. I learned so much about myself when I wasn’t leaning on anyone for comfort, for love, for happiness. Perhaps that’s what this single season is about for you. Learn your quirks, your love language, why you need to be needed, why you want a relationship, what’s missing that you think someone else will add? How did your parents show love? All these deep questions are important and the beautiful thing is that you don’t have to announce them to the world. They are for you and for future bae should he be the one who knows he has found a good thing. (Wink Wink)
Let me state this, there are people in relationships, who are broken (or hurting) and have not done the inner work but they may just be, one argument away from facing themselves and having to confront it or walking away entirely. These questions will show up whether you answer them or not. Therefore, why not self assess now? I’m still doing it…especially when I get tired of being single and I want companionship; it is then, that I remember that the men who were my companions, weren’t with me for the same reasons that I was with them. Ouch.
Trust me, I’m fine. This is work that I’ve already done which is why I can talk about it so freely. Again, this is my experience. I know single women who know their worth, set their boundaries, and have not yet found the one whom their soul loves. Might be a timing thing there, I can’t really speak to that so I am speaking to what has been the case for me.
Let’s chat in two weeks and discuss what I learned once I canon balled right back into the dating pool. Ohmylanta!